just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
don't judge my taste in strippers
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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