Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
