Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
