I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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