Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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