that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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