She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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