the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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