I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
