he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
