I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
