i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
