i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
