end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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