Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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