I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
