did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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