I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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