Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
