I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
