There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
