Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
