So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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