I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
