Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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