I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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