So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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