i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
