someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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