Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
