Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
