remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
