you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
