smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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