I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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