Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
