Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
