At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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