Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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