Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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