I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
