If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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