Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
