I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
