I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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