I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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