Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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