the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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