I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
