Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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