I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
