soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
