i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
