you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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