I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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