I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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