the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
stop calling my apartment porn island.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
